May 22nd, 2022 , Ste-Anne-des-Lacs, Quebec

Ever get to the point where you are so over it all that you just know something’s gotta change? Let me ruin your moment here with this unfortunate spoiler alert: nothing has to chance except for YOU. You got yourself into this mess just as I did and you’re the only one who can get yourself out of it…BUT, you as I can ask for Divine help… Let me diver deeper into this for a moment… 

I’m sitting in bed with no electricity, it’s been over 36 hours and there aren’t any signs of it returning any time soon… Yet instead of indulging in the beauty of this candlelit peaceful moment, I’ve been having an anxiety attack and eating all the worse processed foods you can think of, which I’m ashamed to say I used to binge eat for years before cleaning up my act. (Yep, this wannabe vegan has trouble keeping it clean and organic sometimes but that’s a whole other childhood story). So here I am binging away. I gotta tell you, it’s not a pretty picture. It’s an old habit I thought I’d gotten rid of thanks to yoga, mindfulness and meditation, yet as I’m stressed and pondering questions like “where on Earth do I want to be in this life and if I'm on the right path, why am I still living in some guy's basement”, I’m sitting here with a big angry belly absolutely in shock at this violent attack after being kind to it for so long and I’m thinking: here we go again, WTF, why can’t I just DEAL with my emotions like a nun or a monk or an emotionally healthy person would do? Why is it so hard? 

Well, cause we’re not monks or nuns and quite frankly most of us have not learned to be emotionally healthy until we were well into adulthood… We live out here in the big bad world and we have to deal with constant stress and disappointment every day and it gets heavy love, mainly if you’re a perfectionist, I hear you. But how we deal with the constant pressures of this world is also our choice…It’s our choice alone. 

I’ve been hiding behind Netflix for a while not wanting to have this talk with myself. How have you been avoiding your existential crisis? We can use many techniques including alcohol, drugs, entertainment, social media, tv (Netflix), sex, food, extensive sports, all sorts of outlets to numb the pain we absolutely don’t want to feel… So much so that we begin to forget it’s actually even there. We forget where it lies in our body as we simply disconnect until we don’t feel it anymore, as it grows beneath the surface. 

So tonight, after my disgraceful binging episode, I picked out an oracle card and heard the message so loud and clear that my entire body trembled as an electric-type shock went through my heart space. KALI, the Goddess of transformation reached out for me to call upon her. Think of Kali as the mother who loves you so much that she knows when you need tough love. She can cut things completely from your life to put you back on track. It is said not to invoke Kali unless you are absolutely ready for change, cause the change might not be gentle, but will ultimately bestow its blessings upon your life…But you know…with a good kick in the butt first! 

I wish to share with you the automatic writing that came through to me after pulling out her card and creating a ritual invoking and celebrating her with fire. 

_____

Kali, I shall celebrate you, Divine Mother, along with the changes and storms of deep transformation like death and rebirth that you represent, for I must be born again. Like the snake, it is time for me to shed new skin. I call upon you Mother for this process is never-ending. I am willing to accept its cyclic nature therefore I shall humbly bow down to your command and accept a new stage of deep transformation in my life. 

“Burn it all away, Kali, burn it all away. If it doesn’t serve us, then burn it all away”… 

I am ready, oh great MOTHER to cry, to scream, to release and let go all of my past and present. I am ready to dance with my beating drum to the rhythm of the winds of change you carry. I will look deeply and fearlessly into the fire and let it take away old patterns and ways of being that no longer serve me. I shall rejoice and sing, knowing that in your presence, I am constantly born again. 

Invoking Kali is like finally saying “FUCK IT!” after you’ve been holding on for too long. Holding on to a habit, to a way of being, an idea, a person, a job, a home, a friend, love affair, a dream or anything that is now hindering your growth and no longer meant for you. You must make space and empty out the closet before filling it up with beautiful new garments. Kali will help you make that necessary space. Invoking her is like ripping off the band-aid and allowing your wound to breathe, preparing or the last phases of healing to begin, freely. She will bring you where you need to be if you truly SURRENDER and accept Her way. Remember she is doing this out of Love FOR you. Sometimes, we must walk through the darkness to reach the brightest light. Explore your shadows dear one, sit with the pain without numbing it, dive deep into yourself and observe the root cause of all your suffering and then, just as Mother Kali kisses your forehead, exhale and let everything go! You are here right now. That is all you need. TRUST. 

To reach your highest potential and get to the best, you must let go of what isn’t, no matter how difficult it is to abandon. Once you’ve let go of your fears and faced the ways in which you are holding yourself back and keeping yourself small, you can start claiming and bringing in all that was truly meant to you. What belongs to you by Divine Right as a child of the Great One. 

“Bring it all in, Kali, bring it all in. If it’s gonna serve us then bring it all in”. 

Observe. Surrender. Heal. Transform… 

With love, 

Karine xx

Photo credit: Julien André Mégoz (used under authorization) 

Monastère des Augustines, Quebec City, May 5, 2022

I’ve always been the type to avoid having problems. I’ve never enjoyed confrontation, I mean who does? So, I silently up and run, like…. Regularly. Always in a sudden, unpredictable way, which for those who are close to me eventually became pretty predictable. It’s quite obvious, I can’t stay in place, mainly when discomfort arrives. 

These past 26 months have forced me to sit with myself in silence and to observe my behaviours. It’s become quite the positive obsession, this observation of my actions, thoughts and emotions recently, as I, like many, feel the urge to rise to my full potential in order to help as many people as possible. But this help, we must first give it to ourselves. Self-awareness has become the most beautiful gift I could offer to both myself and those around me. 

These past years have been jam packed with difficulties and challenges. I have returned to my country, after traveling and escaping for almost a decade, and this time, I can’t leave. Not yet. The biggest challenge I have faced is to simply be here, to stay and to silence the urge to up and walk, run, fly, or sail away again. I have had panic attacks after dates, I have cried in the middle of sex for no apparent reason, I’ve had one too many shower meltdowns and a few moments of light road rage. I have never felt so confronted to myself. And this time, I cannot run!! 

One of my swift attempts to run away from obligation and a “normal” life was in the summer of 2020. I moved to Quebec City with my dog, wanting to experience its architectural beauty, the richness of the nature surrounding it and well, after a few months of being under lockdown lets face it, people! I took a leap of faith, found an expensive but beautiful and authentic place to stay in the old town near the port, and I started my sound healing journey. It was all great for about 3 months until we went into lockdown again and a suffering young soul went into my neighborhood on Halloween and violently killed and injured people on the streets with a gigantic Japanese sword. Say what? 

I was supposed to be out walking my dog that night, as I did daily, but I had an internet connection issue and my full moon meditation video took 2 hours to upload, so I was “stuck” home, safe with Bebop, my furry friend. 

When a client called to tell me to lock up and stay indoors, that the killer was on the run nearby, I went into full shock mode. I did not sleep a wink that night, even after we were told he had rendered himself a few meters down from my place. 

The next morning, there were more sirens, yet another fire nearby. It was the second fire in a week. And so, I planned yet another escape. I paid for the full month and moved out within the week, not allowing myself the time to grieve or process this trauma, which no one understood, because I obviously hadn’t been “hurt”. So I packed it all in while packing up my stuff for a new adventure back to my parents’ house before heading to Guatemala for 4 months. 

Yesterday, I came back to this city, for the second time since that unfortunate event. Last time, I was so busy that I had no time to even think about it, but this morning, I attended a meditative walk and when I reached the place where it had all happened, I burst into tears. I finished the group walk and sat in silence in a chapel. Not even praying, simply observing my inner state. I then left and returned to the sight of my old apartment, one street down. I walked the path I used to walk with Bebop and went back to the park where we would play catch every day. When I got to the park and saw that the grass area where he used to run had been paved, once more, a flood of tears rushed down my face as I realized: it’s really the end. Bebop is gone. He passed away last summer and although I’ve cried many tears of guilt since (I had to put him down), I hadn’t cried tears of sorrow for the best friend that had now left this earth plane 11 months ago. He had been there for me almost 14 years, throughout my entire adulthood, changing homes at least 12 times, always adapting quickly and coming along for the ride! And now he’s gone. Yes, it’s been a while, but my memories of him and I here in Quebec City are so vivid, that the tears cannot seem to stop. 

Tears are the most cleansing waters, they say… 

And so here I am, letting it all out… Years of running away, now being faced to confront it all. Shedding layers of myself, time and time again, like the snake shedding its old skin. We don’t just die once. Parts of us die all the time… And new parts are born and bloom into their spring as well… But ultimately, no matter where we run to, the process will happen. 

As I now find myself in a state of contemplation and silence, journaling at Monastère des Augustines, a renovated nun monastery dating from 1639 or so, I can see the light at the end of this really long emotional tunnel. Ever since the world forever changed on my birthday in March 2020, I have been forced to deepen and strengthen my meditation practice, as life has taken away every part of who I thought I was and practically everything I loved. The career, the trips, the ships, the friends, the lifestyle – oh God that lifestyle- the trust, the illusion, all the labels, gone in a flash! Maybe it’s been like that for you too… 

As I was crying in the now half-paved park, observing an ever-changing world, the progress I have made hit me. Since inviting meditation, yoga and sound practice at the heart of my life, every one of these highly emotional episodes or fits I through myself were done in absolute awareness. I have observed my thoughts, let the emotions fully wash over me and then figured out what the root cause of this anger, sadness or anxiety was, while succeeding every single time…for the past 2 years! How amazing is that?! Yes, I still get these moments where I do not feel in control, because you know what? I’m not! No one is! Life will play itself out… You can ask for what you want and go ahead and take full action to make it happen, but ultimately, once that’s done, you must surrender to the flow of the universe and I swear, your life will start to feel like it was divinely orchestrated, because, dear one, it was… 

That’s what acceptance is. That’s how you let go. That’s how you move on and deal with an incessant process of death and rebirth, because it’s how the universe works. Just look at nature and its seasons and you will see that ultimately, everything is always perfect. The journey isn’t about never being angry again or never being sad. It’s about being fully present during the process. Be fully angry when you’re upset! Cry your eyes out until your head hurts when you’re sad. Stop pushing things down, brushing them away or RUNNING away… Go ahead and confront your problems, now! Go talk to your boss, have the uncomfortable conversation with your mother, or your partner, or that annoying co-worker or that bitchy waitress who always gives you attitude… Maybe she needs a friend under all that sass! Make the call, set down some roots and find your tribe if you are so called to do so. Or travel, and learn about the world if it's calling you right now… Be present and self-aware in everything you do. State your truth with courage and the silent strength of knowing that ultimately, everything will be alright. Everything comes to an end, the good and the bad. It’s the Buddhist concept of impermanence. Let things wash through you because, this too shall pass….

Guatemala City, April 7th, 2021 

After over 3 months, my time is San Marcos La Laguna has come to an end. For those of you who don’t know this, San Marcos is a very small Mayan village where many “gringos” come to heal, surrounded by the beauty of Lago Atitlan and its majestic volcanoes. Throughout the years, it has become home to many hippies and certain unconventional and lovely characters who felt they needed to start anew somewhere peaceful. Although there have been many unpeaceful events during my stay in this remote community (also known for its machete-armed robberies if we’re being honest), I have come to understand why many outsiders return over and over again. 

When I first got to San Marcos, I did not think I needed to heal. I had already done much work on myself through reading, therapy, sound healing, meditation and Buddhism discussion groups. I had only two things in mind: Complete the training I had already paid for pre-covid at The Yoga Forest, and escape a bit of the Canadian winter and pandemic depression. 

What I found there was much deeper.  

I won’t go through the narration of my entire journey, but I’d like to focus on the most important part, which is: 

How I wound up finding true love. 

With the exception of one or two short ship flings (working aboard cruise ships), I have been single for the past 4 years.  

I wanted to be single at first, knowing that I needed to heal my heart from a very painful breakup. Eventually I just became more and more difficult about who I wanted to let into my world and then I kind of really enjoyed my alone time… In the past year, I’ve come to realize that I was somewhat subconsciously making the choice to be single because I felt like I was a caterpillar transitioning into a butterfly and didn’t want to meet someone while I still had part of my wings stuck in the cocoon, makes sense? 

And so no one of interest for my desires came along. 

Then, on my 36th birthday, in the middle of San Marcos, something incredible happened. I fell in love.  

I fell deeply in love, you know, that unconditional and pure love, the type you don’t meet often. I fell in love…. With myself. 

About. Damn. Time!!!! 

I climbed to the top of a mountain, borrowed a beautiful sacred Mayan altar and made myself a ceremony to start off my new year in gratitude. On my own, I spent an hour chanting, praying, giving thanks and journaling to set my intention for this new year to come. The power of ceremony is something I would have laughed at over a year ago, but something about being introduced to it on this special land has made me open my heart to the teachings and embrace these ancient practices. And so as I sat there in the sun, I realized that for the first time in my life, I truly, deeply loved myself. It was the best gift I could offer myself. That life-altering decision of becoming my own best friend, of becoming my cheerleader and of taking time for me, whenever I feel like it. I had worked on it for years, but the ceremony helped me realize that I was there. In love. With me. 

During my time in Lake Atitlan, I learned to set boundaries. I learned to say no. I learned that I do not have to buy into other people’s projections and that I do not have to care about what they think of me. I learned that I can hold compassion and still say no. I discovered absolute freedom.  

Okay I also learned that I speak before I think in situations where I feel uncomfortable or guilty and that I take way too much time before setting boundaries, but instead of beating myself up for my shortcomings, I accepted the consequences of my actions, forgave myself, learned the lesson and moved on, with an intact degree of self-love. 

My friend, self-love is amazing. Whatever is holding you back from it, I urge you to find out in order to attain it faster. All the love and joy that you think a partner can bring you is actually multiplied within yourself. No one can make you happy, you must make yourself happy first. You are no one elses’s responsibility but your own. This is YOUR life, so take that power and create it the way you want to live it. I am telling you, you are the love you have been waiting for.  

Who wants to be someone’s other half anyway? I want to be complete on my own. I want to find a partner who is also complete on his own when the time is right. I want a love that is worthy of my time and energy, and believe me, it’s coming, cause once you open your heart valves, they will overflow to find and submerge that special person who is willing and ready to take it all in. Be that someone first. 

Love yourself. 

Karine xx