Monastère des Augustines, Quebec City, May 5, 2022

 

I’ve always been the type to avoid having problems. I’ve never enjoyed confrontation, I mean who does? So, I silently up and run, like…. Regularly. Always in a sudden, unpredictable way, which for those who are close to me eventually became pretty predictable. It’s quite obvious, I can’t stay in place, mainly when discomfort arrives. 

These past 26 months have forced me to sit with myself in silence and to observe my behaviours. It’s become quite the positive obsession, this observation of my actions, thoughts and emotions recently, as I, like many, feel the urge to rise to my full potential in order to help as many people as possible. But this help, we must first give it to ourselves. Self-awareness has become the most beautiful gift I could offer to both myself and those around me. 

These past years have been jam packed with difficulties and challenges. I have returned to my country, after traveling and escaping for almost a decade, and this time, I can’t leave. Not yet. The biggest challenge I have faced is to simply be here, to stay and to silence the urge to up and walk, run, fly, or sail away again. I have had panic attacks after dates, I have cried in the middle of sex for no apparent reason, I’ve had one too many shower meltdowns and a few moments of light road rage. I have never felt so confronted to myself. And this time, I cannot run!! 

One of my swift attempts to run away from obligation and a “normal” life was in the summer of 2020. I moved to Quebec City with my dog, wanting to experience its architectural beauty, the richness of the nature surrounding it and well, after a few months of being under lockdown lets face it, people! I took a leap of faith, found an expensive but beautiful and authentic place to stay in the old town near the port, and I started my sound healing journey. It was all great for about 3 months until we went into lockdown again and a suffering young soul went into my neighborhood on Halloween and violently killed and injured people on the streets with a gigantic Japanese sword. Say what? 

I was supposed to be out walking my dog that night, as I did daily, but I had an internet connection issue and my full moon meditation video took 2 hours to upload, so I was “stuck” home, safe with Bebop, my furry friend. 

When a client called to tell me to lock up and stay indoors, that the killer was on the run nearby, I went into full shock mode. I did not sleep a wink that night, even after we were told he had rendered himself a few meters down from my place. 

The next morning, there were more sirens, yet another fire nearby. It was the second fire in a week. And so, I planned yet another escape. I paid for the full month and moved out within the week, not allowing myself the time to grieve or process this trauma, which no one understood, because I obviously hadn’t been “hurt”. So I packed it all in while packing up my stuff for a new adventure back to my parents’ house before heading to Guatemala for 4 months. 

Yesterday, I came back to this city, for the second time since that unfortunate event. Last time, I was so busy that I had no time to even think about it, but this morning, I attended a meditative walk and when I reached the place where it had all happened, I burst into tears. I finished the group walk and sat in silence in a chapel. Not even praying, simply observing my inner state. I then left and returned to the sight of my old apartment, one street down. I walked the path I used to walk with Bebop and went back to the park where we would play catch every day. When I got to the park and saw that the grass area where he used to run had been paved, once more, a flood of tears rushed down my face as I realized: it’s really the end. Bebop is gone. He passed away last summer and although I’ve cried many tears of guilt since (I had to put him down), I hadn’t cried tears of sorrow for the best friend that had now left this earth plane 11 months ago. He had been there for me almost 14 years, throughout my entire adulthood, changing homes at least 12 times, always adapting quickly and coming along for the ride! And now he’s gone. Yes, it’s been a while, but my memories of him and I here in Quebec City are so vivid, that the tears cannot seem to stop. 

Tears are the most cleansing waters, they say… 

And so here I am, letting it all out… Years of running away, now being faced to confront it all. Shedding layers of myself, time and time again, like the snake shedding its old skin. We don’t just die once. Parts of us die all the time… And new parts are born and bloom into their spring as well… But ultimately, no matter where we run to, the process will happen. 

As I now find myself in a state of contemplation and silence, journaling at Monastère des Augustines, a renovated nun monastery dating from 1639 or so, I can see the light at the end of this really long emotional tunnel. Ever since the world forever changed on my birthday in March 2020, I have been forced to deepen and strengthen my meditation practice, as life has taken away every part of who I thought I was and practically everything I loved. The career, the trips, the ships, the friends, the lifestyle – oh God that lifestyle- the trust, the illusion, all the labels, gone in a flash! Maybe it’s been like that for you too… 

As I was crying in the now half-paved park, observing an ever-changing world, the progress I have made hit me. Since inviting meditation, yoga and sound practice at the heart of my life, every one of these highly emotional episodes or fits I through myself were done in absolute awareness. I have observed my thoughts, let the emotions fully wash over me and then figured out what the root cause of this anger, sadness or anxiety was, while succeeding every single time…for the past 2 years! How amazing is that?! Yes, I still get these moments where I do not feel in control, because you know what? I’m not! No one is! Life will play itself out… You can ask for what you want and go ahead and take full action to make it happen, but ultimately, once that’s done, you must surrender to the flow of the universe and I swear, your life will start to feel like it was divinely orchestrated, because, dear one, it was… 

That’s what acceptance is. That’s how you let go. That’s how you move on and deal with an incessant process of death and rebirth, because it’s how the universe works. Just look at nature and its seasons and you will see that ultimately, everything is always perfect. The journey isn’t about never being angry again or never being sad. It’s about being fully present during the process. Be fully angry when you’re upset! Cry your eyes out until your head hurts when you’re sad. Stop pushing things down, brushing them away or RUNNING away… Go ahead and confront your problems, now! Go talk to your boss, have the uncomfortable conversation with your mother, or your partner, or that annoying co-worker or that bitchy waitress who always gives you attitude… Maybe she needs a friend under all that sass! Make the call, set down some roots and find your tribe if you are so called to do so. Or travel, and learn about the world if it's calling you right now… Be present and self-aware in everything you do. State your truth with courage and the silent strength of knowing that ultimately, everything will be alright. Everything comes to an end, the good and the bad. It’s the Buddhist concept of impermanence. Let things wash through you because, this too shall pass….

Tikal, Guatemala, April 10, 2021 

 

During my last few days in Guatemala, my housemate asked me if I wanted to join her in attending a Bobinzana and Hand Pan Session. Not knowing what Bobinzana was but trusting my housemate completely, I happily accepted, as I wanted to make the most of my remaining time at the Lake. 

Those of you who know me know I’ve never even smoked weed or a cigarette. I’m not a big drinker and I’ve never taken any drugs or psychedelics until I tried Ayahuasca in February. As the world seems to have gone to shit in 2020, I decided to explore the human experience a little more fully during my time in Guatemala in case we never get to do anything ever again. (Drama Queen you say?) 

Bobinzana is considered plant medicine, but is very soft and subtle, like cacao. It’s basically like drinking cold tea. 

To be honest, I didn’t feel a thing and spent the entire session, or ceremony if you will, annoyed at my allergies acting up and at the amount of dust in the room. It wasn’t a great night for me. To add to my state of profound oh-for-fuck’s-sake-ness, everyone talked about their feelings for what seemed like the first two hours of the evening as I grew very, very impatient, boiling inside like “dude, there’s 12 of us here, this will take forever if you are trying to navigate through all of your life’s trauma with the group, just get to the friggin’ point already!!!”. I was basically screaming inside…Trust me, I’m working real hard on my patience!  

But then, just as I was annoyed, impatient and not able to relax, a thought came to me, which had nothing to do with the places my mind was drifting off to. 

 

“You claim to want to meet your soul mate, yet you are still very angry at men. You must heal for yourself, for your mother, your grandmother and all the women before you. Heal your wounds, heal your lineage.” 

 

Random, I thought, but interesting. 

 

I was then suddenly bombarded by images and memories of the men who have hurt me in the past as I grew angrier and angrier, still trying to relax with the rest of the group. These memories resurfaced until the end of the ceremony. 

When I finally got home, I decided to write down a list of all the moments when men had disappointed, hurt, offended me or let me down in any way. From the unexpected breakups to the much older men shamelessly trying to flirt with me on social media every single day (inappropriate as fuck FYI), I had A LOT of bottled-up anger, just waiting to be released. 

So, I wrote without stopping for about an hour. Yep, a full hour of male bashing… 

And then as I started feeling the exhaustion, I decided to make a new list, this time writing down all the moments men had been loving, kind, helpful and trustworthy in my life. 

Needless to say, the second list was much shorter.  

I went to bed, still upset, but completely emotionally drained. 

 

That’s when Bobinzana worked her magic! 

 

Right before waking up in the morning, I had a very vivid dream of the first guy I dated, when I was 15.  

In the dream, I deeply felt his pain from rejection while he was trying to get back together. But we were adults now, here in dreamland. That’s when it hit me: 

 

I have also hurt men.  

 

I have played my part in the dance of human suffering. I’ve never been just a victim; I’ve also let men down myself. I had simply never seen it that way…I have hurt some men, then other men have hurt me. The people are different but the teachings remain the same. 

So, I woke up and immediately wrote to my ex from when I was a teenager to apologize for dumping him without any explanation all these years ago. I wrote him that I had truly loved him, that this growing love had scared me and that I had broken up with him because my friends had made me feel pressured into having sex and I simply was not ready. Of course, 15-year-old me could not thoroughly understand or articulate these emotions at the time, so I had simply run away, like I did many more times in my life with people and situations that made me feel uncomfortable. He never knew why I had left. 

I told him that I knew this story had happened over twenty years ago but that if any part of him had been scarred or hurt from this, I sincerely apologized for my part in the matter and that I now wanted to cut all negative karma or links between us. I wished him happiness with his new family and more love than his heart could ever dream of… 

I instantly felt liberated. He answered back immediately with humor and I knew a weight had been lifted from both of our teenage and now adult shoulders. A dagger had been taken out of our hearts and the wound was ready to be healed. Thank you Bobinzana! 

I then proceeded into writing to every ex that I had unconsciously hurt or pushed away. This process was so therapeutic on both sides. I received beautiful messages of love and compassion, from most of these men who had become strangers to me. That’s when I realized that love never goes away, it simply transforms. 

 

I love each and every one of these men deeply. With a love that wishes them happiness and the companionship they deserve. By apologizing, it actually made it easier for me to forgive. To forgive them, myself and all of the other men who have done me wrong. If we don’t understand ourselves, how can we convey our needs to others and hold space to understand our partners as well? 

I could have only written about my own scars and tried forgiving the men in my life as I have tried to do multiple times by focusing on myself, but the real healing came from healing both sides, the masculine and the feminine. Our energies both dance together; we both fall and get back up as best we can.  

 

If like me, you have been hurt and still carry some underlying anger towards the opposite sex, I urge you to try this exercise. Write down your anger, then find what your mirrors are, where you’ve also played a part in the pain game. Apologize and let it go, whether you get a positive response or not. There is nothing more liberating than to acknowledge that we have control over our lives. We play both the victim and the bully at different times, whether we realize it or not. We attract the same lessons until we understand them and heal. 

Men cannot fully heal without our healing as well. Yes, we are different, but all both of us really want is to be fully loved and accepted as we are. Heal and go love yourself my friend! 

 

 

 

 

With much compassion and love, 

Karine xx 

 

 

 

 

P.S Don’t get me wrong, if you have suffered abuse, I am not encouraging you to go and apologize to your abuser! At ALL! I’m talking about the every-day basic relationship, the small drama. I’m talking about trying to understand the scars on the other side. Abusers definitely have deeply-rooted issues that have nothing to do you with. It is NOT up to you to help or save them, you can simply encourage them into therapy and self-work. You must choose YOU and leave. Find a safe space, talk to friends and family, resource groups or even the police if the relationship is dangerous and build up the courage to LEAVE. Hopefully they can do their inner work someday and come and apologize to you. If they don’t, let it go. Work on you, love yourself, stay safe and happy!

Guatemala City, April 7th, 2021 

 

 

After over 3 months, my time is San Marcos La Laguna has come to an end. For those of you who don’t know this, San Marcos is a very small Mayan village where many “gringos” come to heal, surrounded by the beauty of Lago Atitlan and its majestic volcanoes. Throughout the years, it has become home to many hippies and certain unconventional and lovely characters who felt they needed to start anew somewhere peaceful. Although there have been many unpeaceful events during my stay in this remote community (also known for its machete-armed robberies if we’re being honest), I have come to understand why many outsiders return over and over again. 

When I first got to San Marcos, I did not think I needed to heal. I had already done much work on myself through reading, therapy, sound healing, meditation and Buddhism discussion groups. I had only two things in mind: Complete the training I had already paid for pre-covid at The Yoga Forest, and escape a bit of the Canadian winter and pandemic depression. 

What I found there was much deeper.  

I won’t go through the narration of my entire journey, but I’d like to focus on the most important part, which is: 

How I wound up finding true love. 

With the exception of one or two short ship flings (working aboard cruise ships), I have been single for the past 4 years.  

I wanted to be single at first, knowing that I needed to heal my heart from a very painful breakup. Eventually I just became more and more difficult about who I wanted to let into my world and then I kind of really enjoyed my alone time… In the past year, I’ve come to realize that I was somewhat subconsciously making the choice to be single because I felt like I was a caterpillar transitioning into a butterfly and didn’t want to meet someone while I still had part of my wings stuck in the cocoon, makes sense? 

And so no one of interest for my desires came along. 

Then, on my 36th birthday, in the middle of San Marcos, something incredible happened. I fell in love.  

I fell deeply in love, you know, that unconditional and pure love, the type you don’t meet often. I fell in love…. With myself. 

About. Damn. Time!!!! 

I climbed to the top of a mountain, borrowed a beautiful sacred Mayan altar and made myself a ceremony to start off my new year in gratitude. On my own, I spent an hour chanting, praying, giving thanks and journaling to set my intention for this new year to come. The power of ceremony is something I would have laughed at over a year ago, but something about being introduced to it on this special land has made me open my heart to the teachings and embrace these ancient practices. And so as I sat there in the sun, I realized that for the first time in my life, I truly, deeply loved myself. It was the best gift I could offer myself. That life-altering decision of becoming my own best friend, of becoming my cheerleader and of taking time for me, whenever I feel like it. I had worked on it for years, but the ceremony helped me realize that I was there. In love. With me. 

During my time in Lake Atitlan, I learned to set boundaries. I learned to say no. I learned that I do not have to buy into other people’s projections and that I do not have to care about what they think of me. I learned that I can hold compassion and still say no. I discovered absolute freedom.  

Okay I also learned that I speak before I think in situations where I feel uncomfortable or guilty and that I take way too much time before setting boundaries, but instead of beating myself up for my shortcomings, I accepted the consequences of my actions, forgave myself, learned the lesson and moved on, with an intact degree of self-love. 

My friend, self-love is amazing. Whatever is holding you back from it, I urge you to find out in order to attain it faster. All the love and joy that you think a partner can bring you is actually multiplied within yourself. No one can make you happy, you must make yourself happy first. You are no one elses’s responsibility but your own. This is YOUR life, so take that power and create it the way you want to live it. I am telling you, you are the love you have been waiting for.  

Who wants to be someone’s other half anyway? I want to be complete on my own. I want to find a partner who is also complete on his own when the time is right. I want a love that is worthy of my time and energy, and believe me, it’s coming, cause once you open your heart valves, they will overflow to find and submerge that special person who is willing and ready to take it all in. Be that someone first. 

Love yourself. 

Karine xx