It took me a long time to get over him. It took me longer than the length of the relationship itself. He was the man I thought I would marry. I wanted for us to build a family, me, the independent career-driven environmental activist who had never wanted kids. I wanted to have his baby. He was the one, but really, was he?
The relationship ended in a dramatic and quite frankly traumatic way. It felt like a surreal scene from a movie in which I was watching things unfold without having any authority in the direction of the script, The end was sudden and cruelly harsh.
I went through every possible emotion that night. From compassion to confusion, betrayal and anger, I tried everything to make him change his mind and give us a fair chance. We had never even had a fight, how could it end so abruptly? But it did.
As I sat on the 3 connecting flights to return to my country, depleted and violently drained emotionally, I cried what was left to cry. I cried and sobbed in bed for over 10 days. It wasn't my shattered ego that was hurt, I loved that man profoundly. I loved the person I thought he was. The image he had projected of himself upon me. I loved him enough to forgive the unforgivable. I loved him with all of his imperfections. Have you ever loved that way?
Here's the deal. I hadn't. I had never loved enough to step over my principles and forgive infidelity. I had never loved enough to try and know more about why people do what they do, enough to dig into their past and help them heal. For him, I did everything. He was changing. He was working on his demons as I was working on setting my ego aside and being a more forgiving person. But here's the truth ladies...
YOU CAN'T CHANGE ANYONE BUT YOURSELF. NO ONE CAN CHANGE YOU.
Change is a choice. You may think your love can save him, that he can do and be better, but in most cases, he can't. Until he really wants to change and does it for himself on a deep and spiritual level, he will not change. You will see improvement, and then BAM!! You get dumped in the middle of nowhere in front of all of his friends and sent on the next flight home!
I blame movies like "Beauty and the Beast" for this. I blame our dearest mothers and grandmothers and the women on TV. The women who are so afraid of being alone that they stick it out hoping that one day, he will change and that they'll be happy. I'm not judging these women. They lived in difficult times where religion controlled everything and where their voices had been shut so many times that they could not find a way to speak up. But we have that chance. We can speak up with love and compassion. We can speak our truth. This doesn't mean accepting all the crap guys put us through, but it means having so much love for OURSELVES that we can find someone who will love us just the same. These men exist. I promise you.
After the break up, we decided to try staying friends for over a year, which only made things harder. It seemed easier at first for me to be his friend than to hate and resent him. Until he unwillingly broke my heart again and again. That's when I decided to love myself more than I loved him. That's when I decided that I had learned what I had to from this relationship and that letting go of the past didn't make me resentful, it only made me stronger and free. To "unfriend" someone, as childish as it may seem may be the best decision you'll make. Let him know you forgive him. Wish him well. Move on.
So here's what I wish for you ladies, go and fall in love with yourselves. Be the person you want in your life. Accept your flaws, embrace your strengths and work on your weaknesses if it makes you happy, observe the feelings you experience without judging them, the sensations going through your body, your moods, evaluate your life, set your goals and map them out! This is YOUR life! Learn to be happy on your own and only then will you be able to be truly happy in the presence of someone else.No one is going to save you. It's your job to save yourself. It's your job to make your dreams happen. In this day and age, nothing is handed to us, but if we open up our eyes and our hearts and face the world with enthusiasm and kindness every day, miracles will happen!
Now go and thrive you beautiful goddesses and take back the power that is yours!!!