Tikal, Guatemala, April 10, 2021
During my last few days in Guatemala, my housemate asked me if I wanted to join her in attending a Bobinzana and Hand Pan Session. Not knowing what Bobinzana was but trusting my housemate completely, I happily accepted, as I wanted to make the most of my remaining time at the Lake.
Those of you who know me know I’ve never even smoked weed or a cigarette. I’m not a big drinker and I’ve never taken any drugs or psychedelics until I tried Ayahuasca in February. As the world seems to have gone to shit in 2020, I decided to explore the human experience a little more fully during my time in Guatemala in case we never get to do anything ever again. (Drama Queen you say?)
Bobinzana is considered plant medicine, but is very soft and subtle, like cacao. It’s basically like drinking cold tea.
To be honest, I didn’t feel a thing and spent the entire session, or ceremony if you will, annoyed at my allergies acting up and at the amount of dust in the room. It wasn’t a great night for me. To add to my state of profound oh-for-fuck’s-sake-ness, everyone talked about their feelings for what seemed like the first two hours of the evening as I grew very, very impatient, boiling inside like “dude, there’s 12 of us here, this will take forever if you are trying to navigate through all of your life’s trauma with the group, just get to the friggin’ point already!!!”. I was basically screaming inside…Trust me, I’m working real hard on my patience!
But then, just as I was annoyed, impatient and not able to relax, a thought came to me, which had nothing to do with the places my mind was drifting off to.
“You claim to want to meet your soul mate, yet you are still very angry at men. You must heal for yourself, for your mother, your grandmother and all the women before you. Heal your wounds, heal your lineage.”
Random, I thought, but interesting.
I was then suddenly bombarded by images and memories of the men who have hurt me in the past as I grew angrier and angrier, still trying to relax with the rest of the group. These memories resurfaced until the end of the ceremony.
When I finally got home, I decided to write down a list of all the moments when men had disappointed, hurt, offended me or let me down in any way. From the unexpected breakups to the much older men shamelessly trying to flirt with me on social media every single day (inappropriate as fuck FYI), I had A LOT of bottled-up anger, just waiting to be released.
So, I wrote without stopping for about an hour. Yep, a full hour of male bashing…
And then as I started feeling the exhaustion, I decided to make a new list, this time writing down all the moments men had been loving, kind, helpful and trustworthy in my life.
Needless to say, the second list was much shorter.
I went to bed, still upset, but completely emotionally drained.
That’s when Bobinzana worked her magic!
Right before waking up in the morning, I had a very vivid dream of the first guy I dated, when I was 15.
In the dream, I deeply felt his pain from rejection while he was trying to get back together. But we were adults now, here in dreamland. That’s when it hit me:
I have also hurt men.
I have played my part in the dance of human suffering. I’ve never been just a victim; I’ve also let men down myself. I had simply never seen it that way…I have hurt some men, then other men have hurt me. The people are different but the teachings remain the same.
So, I woke up and immediately wrote to my ex from when I was a teenager to apologize for dumping him without any explanation all these years ago. I wrote him that I had truly loved him, that this growing love had scared me and that I had broken up with him because my friends had made me feel pressured into having sex and I simply was not ready. Of course, 15-year-old me could not thoroughly understand or articulate these emotions at the time, so I had simply run away, like I did many more times in my life with people and situations that made me feel uncomfortable. He never knew why I had left.
I told him that I knew this story had happened over twenty years ago but that if any part of him had been scarred or hurt from this, I sincerely apologized for my part in the matter and that I now wanted to cut all negative karma or links between us. I wished him happiness with his new family and more love than his heart could ever dream of…
I instantly felt liberated. He answered back immediately with humor and I knew a weight had been lifted from both of our teenage and now adult shoulders. A dagger had been taken out of our hearts and the wound was ready to be healed. Thank you Bobinzana!
I then proceeded into writing to every ex that I had unconsciously hurt or pushed away. This process was so therapeutic on both sides. I received beautiful messages of love and compassion, from most of these men who had become strangers to me. That’s when I realized that love never goes away, it simply transforms.
I love each and every one of these men deeply. With a love that wishes them happiness and the companionship they deserve. By apologizing, it actually made it easier for me to forgive. To forgive them, myself and all of the other men who have done me wrong. If we don’t understand ourselves, how can we convey our needs to others and hold space to understand our partners as well?
I could have only written about my own scars and tried forgiving the men in my life as I have tried to do multiple times by focusing on myself, but the real healing came from healing both sides, the masculine and the feminine. Our energies both dance together; we both fall and get back up as best we can.
If like me, you have been hurt and still carry some underlying anger towards the opposite sex, I urge you to try this exercise. Write down your anger, then find what your mirrors are, where you’ve also played a part in the pain game. Apologize and let it go, whether you get a positive response or not. There is nothing more liberating than to acknowledge that we have control over our lives. We play both the victim and the bully at different times, whether we realize it or not. We attract the same lessons until we understand them and heal.
Men cannot fully heal without our healing as well. Yes, we are different, but all both of us really want is to be fully loved and accepted as we are. Heal and go love yourself my friend!
With much compassion and love,
P.S Don’t get me wrong, if you have suffered abuse, I am not encouraging you to go and apologize to your abuser! At ALL! I’m talking about the every-day basic relationship, the small drama. I’m talking about trying to understand the scars on the other side. Abusers definitely have deeply-rooted issues that have nothing to do you with. It is NOT up to you to help or save them, you can simply encourage them into therapy and self-work. You must choose YOU and leave. Find a safe space, talk to friends and family, resource groups or even the police if the relationship is dangerous and build up the courage to LEAVE. Hopefully they can do their inner work someday and come and apologize to you. If they don’t, let it go. Work on you, love yourself, stay safe and happy!